I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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