Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
