Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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