Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Don't make out with my wife yet
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
