just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
