I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
