are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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