He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
