I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
