stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
