Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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