Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
