I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
3 2 1 whiskey
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
