why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm passing your future prison.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
