Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
