Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
