ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
