just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I need moral support for this bender
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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