Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize