you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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