dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tonight lets celebrate not being married
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
