I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
