I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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