aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
