I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
