Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
