Yo dont text me then not text me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
