God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This toilet bowl is my home.
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