If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You can't just leave with hair like that
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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