He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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