i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
