Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
