something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
