woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
