also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
