If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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