mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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