My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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