so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
