We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
