There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
