ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
