I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
