literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
