The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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