im having a threesome with these popsicles
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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