So drunk its hurt
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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