and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
