Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
not ubering you a puppy
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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