I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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