They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
where does the pee come out of this thing
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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