My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
