You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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