Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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