Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
