She is in my trunk
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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