listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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